Session 1: Heart

Talk: Secrets to Staying in Love

1. Harlow (1958) suggested that affection is a primary force.

a. People have desires to be intimate and comforted.

2. In the physiological perspective, love is made out of three components.

a. Lust

- Desire to mate to produce offspring

- Regulated by sex hormones

b. Attraction

- Triggered by the neurotransmitter dopamine

- Dopamine gives pleasant feelings

c. Attachment

- Regulated by the neuropeptide oxytocin

- Released during physical touch (eg: cuddling, orgasm)

- Breastfeeding an infant releases oxytocin that bonds both mother and baby

3. Love is a social exchange.

- The mutual exchange of desirable rewards with others.

- The Interdependence Theory explains that people seek for maximum rewards

at a minimum cost. The rewards and costs depend on the expectation someone

has.

a. Rewards is something desirable that benefits the recipient. An example,

acceptance.

b. Costs is something undesirable that is not beneficial to the recipient. An

example, financial burden and psychological distress.

c. Outcome is the balance of the rewards and costs.

4. One feels most loved when they are communicated with the language they

understand. There are five languages of love.

a. Words of affirmation

- Simple, straightforward sentences that conveys appreciation, likes and

dislikes.

- The tone of delivery may convey the message differently.

- Eg. I am grateful that you did the dishes today.

b. Quality time

- The time and focus spent with each other.

- It gives your partner reassurance of the love and care one gives.

c. Receiving gifts

- The meaning of the gifts and thought put into it outweighs the cost of the gifts.

d. Acts of service

- The service provided that serves the other person an importance.

e. Physical touch

- Some touches are pleasant and comfortable while others are not.

- Learning what kind of touch the other person prefer is helpful during

emotional moments.

QnA

1. Will love language change over time?

- This is dependent on what was missing from our childhood. One might crave

for a love language that is missing from childhood. Some people do have

secondary love languages.

2. What if we don’t get married, will it refute that love does not last?

- Not necessarily. In these modern times, people prefer to cohabitate. In

marriage, people choose commitment and are subject to legal consequences; in

cohabitation, people are not in commitment and are not legally bound by law.

3. What can we do if our partner lashes out in anger and start throwing things?

- Running away for your own safety is the best option. When one is in an

emotional state especially anger, there might be a chance that the other can be

collateral damage or target of anger. After the person has calmed down,

talking it out can help with the situation but avoid provoking. Should the other

person feel provoked, having a neutral third party like a licensed counsellor

can help.

4. Is "partner-withdrawal" normal or is it a bit more towards some kind of psychological

issue?

- This is dependent on what kind of love language used. If one’s preferred love

language is touch, it may be difficult to overcome this especially in the current

pandemic.

5. Is there a way to resolve an issue whereby one partner refuses to convert religion to

follow the other even though the other party plans to marry them?

- In Malaysia, the laws make it mandatory for the other party to convert should

they marry someone who is Islam. If one is firm on the decision on not

wanting to convert, it is best to break up for both parties’ happiness.

6. What can I do if I feel insecure to show my love to the other person?

- This is dependent on what makes you feel insecure. Usually, when you find

someone you can be in synchronization with, you feel secure as they make you

feel good and comfortable. This does not mean that we should depend on that

person making us feel secure but that they play a role in making us realize that

we are worth loving.

7. Is it toxic when one’s partner restrict interaction with friends of opposite sex? Or

restrict to go to party or clubs?

- Yes, it is toxic. Trust issues or lack of self-esteem is harmful to the

relationship as it stops the other person from doing what they enjoy most.

8. Any tips to maintain a long-distance relationship? // How to spend quality time with

each other during the pandemic when it is at the stage that directly asking would be

fast but the uncertainty is painful?

- Keep the intimacy alive is important. Constant communication with each other

through simple activities online lets the partners learn more about each other.

Simple examples are video calls and texting each other. Plus point, having

new activities help you discover what the other person is like.

9. Are there any clear ways to tell someone is into you?

- Direct asking is the best way as you avoid wasting much time being in

constant doubt and uncertainty.

10. Are there any tips for moving on if it is not really possible to cut ties with the person

when both of us is in the same friend group?

- It would be best to avoid any personal encounter and treat each other as

friends of friends.

- Try engaging in things that matter to you and making new connections like

friends. This will keep your mind of the relationship.

11. Is it still considered love if the partner has future planning but the other has no interest

or is not prepared due to insecurities?

- According to Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, it consists of three

components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. There are no mentions about

insecurities. Being insecure in a relationship is normal if you are still young.